This essay originated from a d-BISCUIT. So many of my d-BISCUITs are potential essays
or articles or long discussions or even documentary film projects...But I keep them in d-Biscuit form to maintain their original
and unique properties. They're not a full meal, like an essay...But they're not just appetizers either.
They're more like bread (which is why I call them d-BISCUITSs, get it?). In this case I became hungry before the meal
came, so I filled up on bread and EXPANDED...This is the result of playing numerous games...And making it to age
38...
This was submitted & rejected by VANITY FAIR
March 2006. It was a contest. The object of the contest was to write an article that explained, "WHAT
IS ON THE MIND OF AMERICA'S YOUTH TODAY?" I submitted a blank page. Actually I submitted what I
thought was a great article. I also coined a new term, "GRADOLESCENTS" which are graduates (high school or
college) that seem to be stuck in adolescence in terms of what responsibilities they're taking on.
I wrote this in November 2003. My original title
was "CORN GIVES ME A BONER!"...Yes, I know it appears crude...But this is a man's most illustrative way
of showing attraction and desire...Look at it as a physical celebration of cerebral admiration. There is no titilation
involved here, nor am I glorifying any irresponsible behavior. So let's all be mature about this and dive into an essay
that is 'no holds barred' in it's raw are gritty depiction of my favorite vegetable. Besides, "BONER"
is such a funny word...Then again, they say clarification and communication are the keys to great writing. Ernest Hemmingway
apparently wrote at a 5th grade reading level. This is important literature here, and since my goal is to get this critical
information out to the masses...I think changing the title serves the best interests of humanity...So I thought long and hard
and therefore, "CORN KICKS ASS!" was born.
How did this start? It was inspired
by my disappointment that Halloween had just passed and that means one thing and one thing only: No more CANDY
CORN. When November hits, SHAZAM! the stuff disappears from shelves everywhere. This is my ode to the mightiest
of all vegetables...Bow before the regal stalk...
This article was submitted & accepted by MAX BIKINI shortly before the magazine
went defunct in March 2003. I asked the editor-in-chief if he wanted any writers and he told me to submit something.
What I submitted was essentially a suggestion for the type of articles that his magazine (or magazines of this nature) should
contain. My goal was to "Trojan Horse" the bikini magazine industry with an article that indicted it.
